King of the North

Does the North of England really want to stay stuck with the South when the rest of the union starts buggering off.

Clearly Scotland leaving the union will be a massive pain in the arse - like splitting up/divorcing x100 with all the petty bullshit of working out who bought what CDs, what the bastard flag will be and who gets the Overseas Territories. So if we have to go through that crap anyway why would the North want to be stuck with the South spending all the infrastructure money on lovely things for them? I live in the south and I am bored of it.

I know the north kept saying no to mayors and assemblies but that was just offering more politics. This will have to be a bit more exciting. As such I am developing a "Northern Contingency Plan for Scottish Seperation from the Union". At the moment these plans come in no temporal order but merely deal with various issues as and when I think of them. If you have ideas please add them below.

1) Sean Bean will be named interim King of the North until a democratically elected monarch can be elected. He will have palaces in Lancaster, York and Grimsby.

2) Emissaries will be sent to Birmingham offering the possibility of joining the new Kingdom. This is likely to be the most southerly boundary.

3) I'm not sure about the name but I quite like just, "The North" both because is sounds esoteric and because all the signs already say that.

4) Legal backing for this move will be gained by launching the hashtag #TheNorthwantsDivorce and getting popular celebrities to retweet it. Once this is trending in London it will get onto the Guardian online and thus become a real thing rather than just dis-interesting people procrastinating on the internet.

5) Diversifying the Economy. If the bank collapse taught us anything it is not to put your eggs in one basket. Premiership football, insightful pop music and whippets will always be at the core but we will need more. I have many ideas for this. For instance - we will divert research funds to that Professor Brian Cox with instructions to invent Star Trek style replicators.

6) Military & Defense. In the short run it might be difficult to sort out all the soldiers and tanks and that. Secret agents will have secreted themselves amongst the Cornish nationalists. If Southern aggression is feared we will encourage the sleepers to convince the Cornish to rise in bloody rebellion with the promise of support. The several hours it will take London to crush this rebellion should give us enough time to put all micromachines across the M1 and M6 like in Home Alone so their soldiers fall over and get their heads burnt by flame throwers and that.

.... there are loads more my fingers are getting tired and my tea is going cold. Please do help in the comments below.